Okay ladies I'm looking for some help. I have a 7-year-old step daughter. I do call her my daughter and she is all we have. We have been having issues with her lieing, ripping through shoes the first day she wears them and not taking care of her things. for example; losing stuff at school breaking brand new things and just handing out her new stuff she got for her birthday. For lieing she goes on time out but she continues on lieing she even says she lies to her friends. Her shoes she says she "falls" but then we find out that was a lie. Her losing and breaking things? How do we help her with ownership? I guess that is over all the problem. She doesn't have any ownership in anything. What can I do to help her from not lieing and taking care of her stuff? Don't get me wrong we aren't stuck up or anything but, we just want her to learn to take care of her things and not lie to us. If you have any suggestions I'm open to them. My husband deploys and it will be single parent time and I will need all the help and suggestions possible. 

Make her work for what he has or wants. Don't give her hands out. If she wants new shoes make her do chores or something to earn them or the money to buy them. 

Maybe she's acting out due to the upcoming deployment? Try some family counseling, it will help you with tips on how to deal with her and might help her learn to express whatever it is that's bothering her in more appropriate ways.

Try Military One source to get started for free on the counseling. 

I agree that she should work for what she wants. She'll be more likely to take care of something if she had to work to get it in the first place. I'd like to think the more time and effort put into getting something, the more she would want to take care of it.

With the lieing, well, my mom would wash my mouth out with soap. 

Spanking worked for all of us!!! Why cant it work now?? 

I agree that she should work for what she wants

She's 7 freaking years old for crying out loud. Don't treat like Cinderella.

Like what was said above, she's probably acting out due to the upcoming deployment.

Has she been through one yet? 

I had to chores at 7 you don't give them hard things to do but she do the dishes or take the trash out. 

When I was 7 I had to do things like put the dishes away, vacuum, clean my room, fold towels, set the table, pick up dog poop in the backyard... my mom had a list of various chores and each chore was worth so much (i.e. $0.50 for unloading the dishwasher). The older I got the more difficult the chores. That money I earned I saved for our camping trips so I could buy something at the gift shop. Heck, I still have a set of birds made out of dried mushrooms I bought at the gift shop when I was a kid. I cherish them because I know how much I worked to save up to buy them. (I am a little mad that my husband's cat attacked and destroyed the nest they sat on.) 

She does have chores that she has to do. She goes to bed at 7:30pm every night. Weekends she goes to bed at 9pm. She gets home from school at 5pm Tuesday and Thursdays she She has soccer practice. Then Monday's, Wednesdays, and Fridays I have her practice soccer. I'm not worried about how she is with me completely I'm worried about how she is at school. SHe lies to me about the things that happens at school and she lies to us about things that we watch her do. She has to make her bed everyday, brush her teeth, keep her room spotless. She's not allowed to have anything on the floor what so ever. I'm a neat freak some I keep our apartment spotless. I don't think chores is going to solve the lieing and her taking care of the stuff she gets. I don't buy her stuff it's the stuff she recently received for her birthday. Let me give you some background information. She came from people who not only beat her but gave her holey clothes to wear. When we met her principal right before we took her with us to California she said that not only did alexis come to school dirty but her clothes were nasty and ripped. Her mother was locked up in jail and she was then taken care of by her her moms baby daddy. It has taken us years to prove that my husband was better fit then her mother. Counseling would be great but by law I can not take her to counseling. I have to wait until I have power attorney. I have full permission by my husband to take her, but as I explained with her schedule I have her on a SUPER strict routine. I wish that she was acting out because of the upcoming deployment but she's use to daddy not being around this isn't new. Sigh Thank you for the advice ladies! 

You can not expect her to be a "normal" child or have major adjustments going from that type of lifestyle to her new one. She's 7 it all has to be pretty scary for her, not only was she removed from the life she's known, she's also about to be seperated from her only blood connection (her father)wether or not they were close or not. She probably has no idea what to expect. I don't know how long she has been living with you guys now, but i think a lot of these issues are simply her adjusting to this new life. I agree she needs counseling and therapy, if your husband is leaving in 10days, and you still don't have power of attorny howlong are they expecting that to take? is it already in motion, and just waiting on paperwork?

The liklihood is the behavior she is displaying in your home, is the only way she got attention in her past living enviroment (even if it was negative) I would do what I can to ignore as much as possible, and reward anything she does that is positive. Show her she's loved regardless of what she does. She really needs this affirmation right now.

What is she doing to the shoes? is she ripping the soles off? burying them in the mud? cutting them with scissors? Me personally I wouldn't replace them with anything as good, but would buy her shoes from the thift store until she learns to respect her shoes, same with clothes/toys. Or buy her a pair of doc martins those are pretty indestructable. 

she is being left with the step parent. even if you treat her like a daughter, the one person who is blood related to her is deploying. that's really rough on a kid. i would be in contact with her teacher and principle. if there is consistency and communication between school and home she is much less likely to lie. she will know she will be found out. as to time out for lying i do not find that harsh enough. remove priveleges, wash mouth out with soap, have her hold vinegar on her tongue for a minute, something like that. time outs on a 7 year old is way to relaxed. destroying her stuff, buy her the cheapest stuff you can and tell her if she wants nicer stuff she has to earn it. 

wash mouth out with soap, have her hold vinegar on her tongue for a minute, something like that.

this girl has already came from a household where she has been abused, and for her step mom who she probably barely knows shouldn't be doing this sort of discipline techniques on her in my opinion of course.

Maybe writing sentences multiple times on why the behavior is wrong or some good old fashioned PT. I have a huge distaste for lying, but I also think they should pick their battles with her. She's in a fragile mindset, so depending on the lie, should depend on the consequence. 

We've had custody of her since January 20th. As far as her being away from her father she hasn't been with anyone that was blood the last 3 years. She's closer with me then she is with my husband. I don't want to wash out her mouth shes been through some nasty abuse. We made a deal with her that if she keeps ruining her shoes then she has to use the money she received for her birthday to buy her own shoes. I only spend about $7-$10 on her shoes. I am going to take Champ advice about ignoring the bad things she's doing. I haven't done that yet. We have done everything, she might get kicked out of the after school program at school because shes not following the rules. This happened yesterday then she lied to my husbands face several times. Then I came to the conversation she fest up. She loves going to school and having friends because she didn't have them before, so I told her if she gets in trouble one more time I was going to pull her out of the school and home school her. Or I'm going to put her in a completely new school. But to think about it I guess that's not really teaching her anything. The people before wouldn't giver her any attention if they weren't hurting her they would ignore her and make her baby sit her half brother and sister who were 2 and 3. If they did something they weren't suppose to she'd get in big trouble for it. 

She needs counseling and so do you. If Dad gets her started in counseling then yes you can take her to continue her therapy. It should have been done months ago.

Lighten up a little. She needs love and security not a dictatorship. DO NOT use VINEGAR ETC. Or threaten to take things away. You are just reinforcing she has NOTHING. 

I'm in counseling lol I have my own baggage from my parents. I have been in counseling since my husbands first deployment two years. Daddy leaves in 10 days like was mentioned before. My doctor even said that she doesn't need to see a doctor just yet. I could understand if both of us were home to take care of her but my husband has done 4 field ops for this MEU. So it's super single parenting right now. But thanks for the advice, I'm sure we can lighten up but he doctors say for military families there are suppose to be strict routines, daddy may not be home but that doesn't mean routines/rules change.... 

Now having a better understanding of your step daughter's history, I agree counseling is a must. You should be able to get a power of attorney really quickly, it takes minutes not days. With your husband deploying it should be a part of the pre-deployment packet he has to complete. Print out the paperwork, take it to a notary and get it signed, you're done. This is something important enough to make time in your schedule to get it done. As well as the counseling.

I think positive reinforcement is the key. When she gets caught in a lie, and fesses up then tells the truth, praise her for telling the truth. When she does anything right, give her praise. Heck, if she's enjoying school because she now has friends, strike a deal with her that if she can go so long without the lies she can have a slumber party over the weekend. It sounds like in her past she had to lie to survive. She probably is worried that because she messed up, she'll get into trouble, so she lies about it because she doesn't want to be abused like she used to. Once she learned that if she makes a mistake, it's okay, you can work together to fix it and move on. If she isn't afraid of getting into trouble she will probably be less likely to lie.

With how she treats her things, well it sounded like she didn't have anything that needed to be taken care of before, so she doesn't know how to take care of what she does have now. You'll need to teach her how to take care of her stuff. She also might not feel like she deserves such nice things, so giving her a feeling of self worth would be needed too. 

BlueBettas; Yeah we already talked about the power of attorney I'm waiting for him to take it to legal. But you gave me a lot of good advice. I mean I haven't had children of my own so this is really knew but it's helpful getting other ppls opinions for sure. 

I'm not judging you by any means, but I think its ludacris that the doctor doesn't feel she needs counseling. You know she was abused, but no one knows to what extent but her, and there's probably some things she's pushed way down to try and forget, other things she may have simply not told. She obviously has behavioral issues, she needs someone she can talk to that is a professional. With tricare she doesn't need a referral to talk to a mental health specialist, (some counselors may want a doctor referral just because of her age though) and if that's the case I would not take no for an answer. This is not the doctors child, he only sees so much as her parents I'd demand one if its needed for her to be seen. 

I want to know which COMMAND approved his deployment without a proper POA/family care plan in place for the step-mom ahead of deployment (or even for the work-ups.)

but he doctors say for military families there are suppose to be strict routines,

*bangs head on keyboard* No, they do NOT say strict routines, Dr's say keep the same routine "as much as possible" for stability and consistency in an unstable lifestyle. If it's not possible then don't be afraid to be flexible (ever heard the term Semper Gumby?)

Her current behavior took 7 yrs. to learn in an abusive, neglectful environment. It's not going to go away within a few months, maybe not for years.

She's also lost her Mom, Dad's leaving, and she has a minimal history with you and no reference that you will stick around forever either. That would be enough to stress any normal 7 yr old, for her it's probably beyond terrifying. 

I'm not judging you by any means, but I think its ludacris that the doctor doesn't feel she needs counseling. You know she was abused, but no one knows to what extent but her, and there's probably some things she's pushed way down to try and forget, other things she may have simply not told. She obviously has behavioral issues, she needs someone she can talk to that is a professional. With tricare she doesn't need a referral to talk to a mental health specialist, (some counselors may want a doctor referral just because of her age though) and if that's the case I would not take no for an answer. This is not the doctors child, he only sees so much as her parents I'd demand one if its needed for her to be seen.

The doctor that I see is fricken great. My friend has her girls see her associate. My doctor she says there's a transition time you need to keep in mind and it's scary for the child to go to basically new parents then to go see a doctor who is going to question her about her scary past. My daughter isn't stealing, she isn't hurting other children. She's merely acting out like what some other people mentioned. She's just trying to get attention anywhere she can. I'm just trying to get advice to help her from becoming one of those "liars". 

GardenWitch;

We do have a proper family care plan, and the things that we needed to take care of have been taken care of. She is actually in support groups for this "new lifestyle" that the military has helped us with. She did not loose her mom; it was her mom who neglected her and did drugs in front of her and her "half" siblings. Her mother is in Jail! I have known her for 2 years. This is not new to her. I am not new to her she has known me for a while and is very familiar with me. I'm sorry for my loose words to describe "our routine" but she has a routine that she goes by which she had nothing before. She's actually way happier then she ever was everyone says it when they see her. She's excited about all the new things shes doing. I'm merely asking for advice to be scolded like my 7-year-old daughter. lol Thank you if I wanted that I'd call my dad lol 

My daughter is rough on clothes and toys. That's just the way she is. I quit buying her expensive shoes and toys.. I can seriously buy her something and it will be in pieces by the end of the night. Buy cheaper toys and clothes so you don't fret about having to replace it. 

Kids lie. It's what they do. I found that reasoning with my oldest at that age was best. She stopped lying to me except for once. My husband thinks yelling at her works, she still lies to him all the time.

7 seem seriously old for time out. 

My parents did foster care and I have some adopted siblings. For whatever reason ruining things they are given has been pretty common in kids that came from a background of not having anything. I could give some guesses as to what it stems from but it would just be guesses. I would say that she needs to know that these things are hers and you will never let her go without. At the same time she needs to care for her things too. Perhaps doing things (in a fun way, not as a chore) to care for her stuff each week would help her develop some pride in the things she owns? At any rate I don't think what she is going through is abnormal for someone with her background from my own experiences. 

I only spend about $7-$10 on her shoes

$7-$10 shoes are GARBAGE. They WILL NOT LAST. Her feet are developing, she needs a good shoe/sneaker.

How much do you spend on your shoes?

When does your step-daughter have time to be just a kid?

Your routine is too rigid. No wonder she is acting out. 

How much do you spend on your shoes?

When does your step-daughter have time to be just a kid?

Your routine is too rigid. No wonder she is acting out.


X2

My youngest just turned 8 and occasionally I have caught her in petty lies, I always say that "mommy and daddy do not appreciate her lying to us". I feel for you. It isn't easy knowing your place as a step-parent. Yes, you want structure and for her to listen, but one of the hardest yet most important things to learn is picking your battles. You have to decide is this offense something to get worked up about or should I let it slide?

I think for many things, redirection can be used. Grounding works for more serious offenses. I use a lot of "if you continue to __________ you won't be able to go/do __________. I put the decision on my kids. Choose to act right or you don't get to go have fun. 

I missed that the shoes are only $7-$10. I'm not sure where you are even finding shoes that cheap but I'm sure they won't last no matter who is wearing them.

Make sure her life is full of FUN. She is probably an expert at worrying after all she has been through. Help her forget to worry. 

"if you continue to __________ you won't be able to go/do __________.


This is an awesome behavior changer. It's called negative punishment. You are taking away (negative) something good to stop the behavior as opposed to positive punishment like spanking, which she is obviously too old for, or adding chores etc although that one can be effective as well but as several have pointed out her schedule seems very full.

Holy run on sentence. 

Thank you everyone for the awesome feed back

$7-$10 shoes are GARBAGE. They WILL NOT LAST. Her feet are developing, she needs a good shoe/sneaker.

How much do you spend on your shoes?

When does your step-daughter have time to be just a kid?

Your routine is too rigid. No wonder she is acting out.

I actually don't spend more then $10 myself on my own shoes. I go to goodwill and buy myself really inexpensive things. I spend more money on my husband and my daughter then I do myself. The last pair of $30 shoes I bought for her she ripped through in one week. They were named brand. I don't spend alot of money on myself at all if you ask my husband I'm the cheapest person he knows. I work for a living, I go to school, and I take care of our daughter. I wouldn't say that her schedule is rigid because not all the time is the routine followed. To me our routine is more like a guideline it helps by keep us all busy. But when I do have downtown I sit and play dolls with her or I read with her. We spend a lot of quality time together because we don't watch television at all. For instance tonight we are going for a walk as a family. When daddy is home we spend alot of time together as a family. I just found out what may be causing this mis-behavior and I had a talk with her and things have already changed. Not only that I had her see my doctor tonight out of advice from others. My husband has met my doctor so we went as a whole family. :) I've already used some of your guys advice I really appreciate it, it is helping. 

I actually don't spend more then $10 myself on my own shoes. I go to goodwill and buy myself really inexpensive things. I spend more money on my husband and my daughter then I do myself. The last pair of $30 shoes I bought for her she ripped through in one week. They were named brand. I don't spend alot of money on myself at all if you ask my husband I'm the cheapest person he knows. I work for a living, I go to school, and I take care of our daughter. I wouldn't say that her schedule is rigid because not all the time is the routine followed. To me our routine is more like a guideline it helps by keep us all busy. But when I do have downtown I sit and play dolls with her or I read with her. We spend a lot of quality time together because we don't watch television at all. For instance tonight we are going for a walk as a family. When daddy is home we spend alot of time together as a family. I just found out what may be causing this mis-behavior and I had a talk with her and things have already changed. Not only that I had her see my doctor tonight out of advice from others. My husband has met my doctor so we went as a whole family. :) I've already used some of your guys advice I really appreciate it, it is helping.


That is wonderful news, and it sounds like you are a loving mother. Keep up the good work!