Don't have friends near by nor do I really want to talk about this to my family and friends but my husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years but together for 5. We are happily married...or so I thought. Yes we get into arguments and sometimes explosive ones but there are times where I push the right buttons and my husband will start with the name calling. "f*** you you dumb ****" it's never really been like this til real recent. He'll call me a b****and everything else you can think off.todays fight got real out of hand and he held my neck and held me down. He told me he hated me and he wants a divorce, fine. Later on he comes tries smooching with me telling me to I've past but he will not apologize for his words or actions. He said he'd been unhappy and not want to be with me for a long time but wants me to get over it now because he loves me. Wtf? I don't understand. I can't be with someone who hates me, doesn't want to be with but does, puts his hands on me and tells me to move past it. HOW CAN I? I'm so hurt and so lost and so angry and I don't know what to do! With all the words said, I'm still at fault. He says I DONT CARE. Wtf?! I don't want this for my family but I don't want to be treated this way either. I keep thinking of my daughter. My poor baby. What do I do? 

Uh, file assault charges. I don't understand why some people don't stand up when their partner does shit like that. He assaulted you. You're an idiot if you think he won't do it again. 

he held my neck and held me down

I would walk out the door, and not look back! 

It will only get worse. If you look back you will see how its gotten progressively worse. It won't get better just worse. He is a abuser. Don't be a victim anymore. Do what's best for you and you daughter and leave. Good luck to you. 

The second someone lays a hand on me I would be out the door and never looking back. I fight with my husband but he never touches me if when we aren't fighting he grabs my arm to hard he says sorry right away. 

Leave him now. My MIL didn't and the abuse turned to the kids. My husband grew up being beaten up and she is still with him after 35 years because she is scared to leave. We tried to help.

My husband has never once in our almost 14 year relationship called me a name. That is normal. 

I had an ex that was abusive, but I stayed out of fear of what people would say or think. The day he went after the kids though, it was over.
My husband now had been with me for almost 5 years and not once had he ever even come close to laying his hands on me and he had NEVER called me a name, not ever. 

I've been in the same situation and its easy for everyone to say "just leave" but it's a lot harder than that. When I was going through that I was across the country from my family and had no friends to turn to. He also left me with $4.23 in my bank account. WTF was I supposed to do with that? That wasn't getting me anywhere. Just some advice, I would try saving and hiding some money, even if its just $20 a week and come up with a plan (where you would go, find shelters in the area, etc). It's a really crappy situation. I feel for you. 

You don't want a divorce for you and your family? I can understand but i am sure your family wants you alive- he can always flip again and possibly kill you. He may not mean too but i am sure he's very strong and may lose it. Be careful and be safe. If i told you my husband held me down and hit me what would you tell me? 

I've been in the same situation and its easy for everyone to say "just leave" but it's a lot harder than that.

No it's really NOT that hard at all, there are a lot of programs there to help you.

He also left me with $4.23 in my bank account. WTF was I supposed to do with that? That wasn't getting me anywhere. Just some advice, I would try saving and hiding some money, even if its just $20 a week and come up with a plan (where you would go, find shelters in the area, etc). It's a really crappy situation. I feel for you.

This is from MY personal experience, I've never personally been with an abusive man BUT my dad was and I've seen how this plays out! This is EXACTLY how it started with my Mom, the physical abuse got worst and he then moved on to locking her in her room for days at a time. Please don't take this the wrong way but her "reason" on why she couldn't get us out of that situation was because she couldn't afford too. Shortly after all of this started the "power" got to his head and he began to abuse us children.
Still my Mom "couldn't" leave for every reason in the book. Finally he beat the He!! out of my older brother because he came home when he didn't want him there (he did this a lot, never told any one not to come home just decided when we walked in the door) my brother had enough. He was only 15 at the time, he packed us all a small bag and in the middle of the night HE (a 15 year old kid) took my little brother, twin and I and we slept in an old broke down shed for 3 days before his girl friend's Mom found out and took us in. Even though I was young (10) I still hold a grudge against my Mom for staying that long.
I'm not saying every story ends that way but I will say I've been to a lot of support groups and a lot of them have the same story as me and all A LOT of them start off with small things like your situation. If this was me I would of been gone in a heart beat, if you are worried financially about leaving there are plenty of resources out there for you. If you would like I can pm you several places available to help. 

I've been in the same situation and its easy for everyone to say "just leave" but it's a lot harder than that.

No, it's not harder than that. I was married to an extremely controlling and abusive me. The first and only time he put his hands on me, he shoved me to the ground. I called the police, pressed charges, and I left. It's not rocket science and IMO, people who stay are weak minded. 

It's not rocket science and IMO, people who stay are weak minded.

x2 

It's not rocket science and IMO, people who stay are weak minded.

x2

I know that more than one person will take my comment a horribly offensive, but I don't care. If you value not only your own life, but the lives of your children so little.... grrr it makes my blood boil. 

In my situation, he broke my cell phone, would constantly change the password on the computer so I couldn't contact my family via e-mail and on top of that he would take my car keys. So yes, sometimes it is harder than that. If it was that easy don't you think everyone would do the obvious and leave? And if it was all that easy she wouldn't be asking for advice. Hence, my advice to come up with a plan and know where to go. When that happened to me, I had no where to go and no way to get the info. 

In my situation, he broke my cell phone, would constantly change the password on the computer so I couldn't contact my family via e-mail and on top of that he would take my car keys. So yes, sometimes it is harder than that.

You don't have 2 working feet? It's not that hard to walk to a neighbors house while he's out.

If it was that easy don't you think everyone would do the obvious and leave?

Not everyone wants out. Some like the attention of that life style, some feel like he's really going to change and there are others that spend so much time making reason's why they can't leave they give up and stay with it.

And if it was all that easy she wouldn't be asking for advice. Hence, my advice to come up with a plan and know where to go.

I'm not going to say your advice is wrong but she has a kid living there. Would you really want your child around a man like that because money is tight? I don't know about you but saving a few bucks every now and then is going to take a while to get out. She now knows there are places out there that will help her with our with out money so hopefully she will make the right decision and do what's best for her and her child.
I'm not trying to criticize you and what you did in your situation I'm just giving advice from my situation and what I know from all the help I got. 

You don't have 2 working feet? It's not that hard to walk to a neighbors house while he's out.


You have no idea. Just give the girl advice and don't comment about my case, because after all you HAVEN'T been in this situation. 

You have no idea. Just give the girl advice and don't comment about my case, because after all you HAVEN'T been in this situation.

Your right I've never dated an abusive man BUT I was raised by one and spent the last 15 years in groups to get over it and help others in the situation. I wont make any comments on your case but I will give her information needed to correct the uneducated advice your giving her. 

Staying in an abusive relationship for ANY reason makes you a coward. When kids are involved it makes you a worthless parent. There is no excuse on why a child should witness or go through a situation like that. Money is tight...ok? Call Father Joes (or shelter) and get a job... 

Staying in an abusive relationship for ANY reason makes you a coward

take a womans independence away, no income, no transport, no job plus kids that need to be fed and housed - the woman feels trapped

blanket statements like the above are not helpful. Women need to network to learn they have options, there are places they can go to and assistance but first they need a plan to get out the door and the first step is often the hardest 

There are many shelters that cater to battered and abused women, I've heard there's one in Oceanside. Many shelters try to feed everyone there and let you stay there for an extended period of time. I would also take advantage of the internet and look up places that give food away to families that are in need.

I would sign up for a library card(they are free) so you can have books and computers are your disposal. If you can find someone to give you a ride, sign up at employment agencies like Apply One, etc. They help you find a job, and sometimes place you at jobs.

Meanwhile, the next time he hits you, assaults you, or threatens to, call 911 or the MP's. The next reasonable step would be to start a divorce process.

I grew up watching my father abuse my mother, myself and my sisters. Thanks to that situation, I had a lot of psychological problems and low self-esteem and self-worth. I had to go to therapy for 10 years. I don't think you want your daughter to go through the same thing, or worse, so please, if not for yourself, get out for her. 

Most women who are in abusive relationships have self confidence issues. So when a women comes looking for help calling her stupid, absent minded, worthless, etc. Is not helping her. By saying those things not only are you turning her away from help but you are also in essence causing mental abuse. I know most of the people on here who have made statements like these are passionate, and are making general statements but any women who has self confidence issues is going to take it personal. If you really are that passionate about this topic then try reaching out to help not put someone down. 

I've been in an abusive relationship. My ex husband did time in the brig for what he did to me. And I still think she's stupid for keeping herself and her kids in an abusive household. It's fine that she doesn't value herself enough to leave, but not her kids? Cmon, that's pathetic. 

And I still think she's stupid for keeping herself and her kids in an abusive household. It's fine that she doesn't value herself enough to leave, but not her kids? Cmon, that's pathetic.

x2! No excuse for keeping a child in an abusive relationship 

x2! No excuse for keeping a child in an abusive relationship

All it will do is cause the kids to grow up into the type that fall into abusive relationships or are the abuser. It's how the cycle works. 

Try Women's Resource Center in Oceanside. They offer a ton of different services, including a shelter.

http://www.wrcsd.org/
760-757-3500 

Fine then use your personal experience and help her find a way to get out but stop calling her names it is not helping. If anything it is doing more harm 

All it will do is cause the kids to grow up into the type that fall into abusive relationships or are the abuser. It's how the cycle works. 

That's not fair. Allowing your child to be abused is, imo, despicable but it does not mean the child will grow up to live in or inflict abuse. As I already posted my husband was horribly abused growing up and has never even gone so far as to call me (or our children for that matter) a name in our 14 years. Obviously he is not in an abusive relationship either. 

OP if you are in a position to not be able to seek help from the MANY services available (which I doubt since you obviously have internet access) then speak to a neighbor. I got a phone for a neighbor of mine in a bad situation (paid for it for a year) and provided support and encouragement to get out of it. People do care. 

That's not fair. Allowing your child to be abused is, imo, despicable but it does not mean the child will grow up to live in or inflict abuse. As I already posted my husband was horribly abused growing up and has never even gone so far as to call me (or our children for that matter) a name in our 14 years. Obviously he is not in an abusive relationship either.

No, not every child will grow up to be abused or an abuser. However, stats show a majority will. 

Ok, first of all to all the so-called "motivators" out there! Telling someone in this situation that they are "weak" and/or "pathetic". Will not shine any light on their paths.
Honestly girl, I grew up thinking that my mom was weak to my dad. It's hard to just let go of everything. I realize now that my mom just wanted to keep our family together and hoped that my dad will change. They don't change, by the way. Once he hurts you - he always will.
My advice, from a child growing up around abuse, stay strong for yourself and your child. Leave him and move on with your life. You can do it without him. Show your baby girl how strong women are, you are her role-model! Good Luck